TORONTO, February 11, 2004 – A York University professor says that married couples should always cope together to overcome the daily stresses in life - and stop blaming each other.

 

“If couples want to maintain a successful relationship, each partner needs to find a personal identity within the relationship, what I call “we-ness”, says Prof. David Reid, a clinical psychologist who has been conducting research on how married couples rise above the daily grind of life and achieve long-term happiness.

 

Prof. Reid says that the small things – such as finances, sex, or the discipline of children – that couples fight over are often only the tip of the iceberg. Once the partners have found a mutual identity within the relationship (i.e. think of themselves as part of a “we-ness”), these small things either dissolve or are more easily resolved by the partners.

 

“Not surprisingly, the lack of communication is a contributing factor – couples get stuck on a tread-mill of emotional turmoil and they don’t get off until there is real trouble in the marriage,” adds Prof. Reid. Often each partner is fighting for her/his reality and preferences (self-righteousness) and the antidote to this is developing a “we-ness”.

 

Professor Reid’s study involved a series of therapy sessions with three groups of 13 couples.  The counseling showed that as “we-ness” became increasingly prominent the partners took charge in vastly improving the quality of their relationships.

 

“We-ness means that couples have to stop pointing fingers at each other and more at themselves as a unit,” says Prof. Reid, “you must change your own behaviour first and then start to view the marriage as a partnership.  If you want an ideal relationship, list the things required to achieve it, and work toward that goal.”

 

Reid recommends five pointers towards "we-ness": 

• listen to each other’s meanings not just their words;
• imagine yourself in your partner’s shoes;
• change yourself, not your partner;
• fight for your relationship instead of for yourself;
• establish a mutual ideal relationship that “we” both aim for.

Reid’s research interests include personal control theory, interpersonal relationships, family, adjustment to old age and health psychology.

 

Couples who want to receive couple’s therapy as part of Dr. Reid’s current research should contact 416-736-2100, ext. 66265.

 

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For more information or to arrange an interview, media should contact:

Ken Turriff
Media Relations
York University
416-736-2100, ext. 22086

kturriff@yorku.ca     

 

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